JOE: THE ART OF COFFEE.

Okay, now that we've started off this blog with a brutally honest review to show that we really mean business, maybe it's time to explain our current gold standard of coffee: Joe.

Located at 141 Waverly; 9 E. 13th; 405 W. 23rd; 44 Grand Central Terminal; and 514 Columbus. The one we tend to haunt is on 13th street, a little hole-in-the-wall which can be difficult to find, especially in the sleepy haze we are usually in when hunting down coffee. But once you find the friendly little logo (placed here for your convenience) you know that salvation is only a few steps away. Enter Joe and you find yourself surrounded (almost literally, because the venue is pretty tiny) by friendly and shockingly courteous people-- both the baristas and the customers.

Actually, this goodness and politeness isn't so surprising, even among New Yorkers, because everybody in Joe is so damn happy. There is a very simple reason for this joy: the coffee at Joe is guaranteed to make your day.

Every time I REALLY need it, every time I know I can't risk my drink getting fucked up, because it's raining and I missed a class and I haven't eaten yet and somebody yelled at me for tripping on the sidewalk and my umbrella broke in the wind... I limp over to Joe, a sprained soul making a pilgrimage to the one place I know I will be taken care of.

The first sip erases all your problems. Your body thrills to the pure, light beauty that is entering it. It is like somebody is playing Vivaldi in your mouth. Just that first sip would be enough to get you singing and dancing like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, but you never, never want it to end.

Granted, I usually get a latte here because they are kickass. Katy is going to have to tell you guys about their drip coffee. But I have ultimate faith in Joe. In fact, my devotion to and support of this coffee shop is only comparable to my love of Barack Obama. (Sorry, Palin fans who are reading this. Go take a reality check.)

So all in all, in this endeavor we're taking on, every place will ultimately be compared to Joe, the coffee that I wish could be inside me every second of every day. Will we find something better? Part of me hopes so. But most of me believes that is impossible. Nevertheless, we'll keep on hunting. But in the meantime, when you really need a pick-me-up, skip the sketchy dealers in the square and shell over a couple of bucks for a cup of joe.

5.1/5 cups of lifesaving nectar

Gorilla Coffee

I take my coffee seriously. I'm not a complete douche about it (most days), but I have some serious standards. I also happen to be severely addicted. If it weren't completely creepy and weird, I would write sonnets and love songs about coffee.

I ventured to Gorilla Coffee this past spring after hearing great things from classmates and The New York Times, and although my expectations were not met, I found my maple latte to be both delicious and creative, and would highly recommend it to anyone looking for something a little different.

On Saturday, I found myself there again, in dire circumstances. Due to both laziness and the fact that New York City has felt like Hell on Earth for the past several days, there is currently not a bean of coffee (or appliances to make it with) to be found in my dorm room. For a good 72 hours, caffeine was completely absent from my system. It's been a rough few days, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't know why I try these "let's see how many days I can go without drinking coffee" experiments, because they always end in me lying in the fetal position, lamenting my lack of joe to basically anyone who will listen (I wish I were kidding).

Long story short, Saturday found me in need of some coffee. I was so desperate, I even considered going to Starbucks. It was pretty serious. The store's sign was like a beacon of hope, assuring me that I would get some good, strong coffee. I made my way to the counter, ordered what to me was a medium iced coffee, but to normal (more sane) people sounded something like "coffee. roast of the day. medium. iceeedd". I know, I have a serious problem.

I got my coffee, paid my $2.25, added my milk and dash of sugar, took a sip, and then promptly stopped. Something was wrong. The coffee had this weird aftertaste that was pretty rough. Like I would have taken a burnt Starbucks over this stuff. And unlike burnt coffee, I couldn't make it go away by adding cream and sugar. I don't know if Gorilla was having an off day, but I could not finish even half of my coffee, which considering my abhorrence for wasting the stuff and my deprivation, is a pretty serious thing to do. To repeat Maya, new low.

I don't think I'll be returning to Gorilla Coffee anytime soon. I do understand that off days happen. However, if I'm going to be shelling out anywhere from $2 to $5 for a cup of coffee, it should be good every time I get it. Gorilla is in a lovely neighborhood, and is fairly close to Prospect Park, which is absolute heaven on earth, especially on gorgeous days like Saturday. The place itself is cute in an unfinished kind of way--mostly wooden tables and chairs taken up by unsocial laptop users. In terms of coffee, should you find yourself there, I would stick strictly to espresso drinks, as the coffee is pretty inconsistent in quality.


1.5/5 cups of joe

Gorilla Coffee: 97 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Prospect Park is always a great place to go when you need some grassy slopes to counteract the concrete right angles of the city. Every time I traverse the river to Brooklyn and see those skies open up, I automatically find myself in a good mood, and on my way to Prospect Park I was practically skipping in the streets. I was feeling optimistic about my coffee.

Gorilla Coffee is sort of on the way to the park, so we headed over there to scope it out. I got a pretty decent iced latte there once, and the maple latte was strange but intriguing, but today I was feeling cheap and too amped to really need an espresso fix, so I opted for a small iced coffee ($1.75). To my dismay, they were out of pretty much all the kinds of milk. Also the coffee tasted really strange... not terrible in the way that my coffee tasted when I was using a soap-corrupted filter, but bad. Sort of sour. No amount of sugar could mask the issue. Katy and I both gave up on our drinks without finishing them-- an unprecedented feat for something that we actually spend money on. NEW LOW?

On the other hand, Audrey's mocha, although it took a long time to get made, was pretty good. In conclusion: Gorilla's espresso drinks are fine, but the coffee is at best inconsistent-- and that's never a good thing. The ambiance is alright (cute red tables; populace of mostly loners reading or on their laptops), but not incredible. Coffee isn't terribly overpriced, but not a great deal either (fancy espresso drinks are $3.75).

1.5/5 cups a joe

Mission Statement

Location: New York City.

Obsession: COFFEE.

Plan: Investigate as many independent coffeeshops in the 5 boroughs as possible, in order to determine the most kickass places to get our java kicks.

We are: Katy, Maya, and Audrey.  Here are some haikus about us.

KATY

Coffee is my life
Without it I am so lost
and feel like a blob

MAYA

Lookin for a deal:
best latte for the best price.
Meantime, diggin Joe.

AUDREY

I don’t know jack shit
but am down to learn the ropes
bring it on bitches!

Let the black gold flow and the imbibing begin!